Madvertising

Just how bad is the collective health of the American male’s prostate?

I’m serious.

If commercial advertising is a statistical indicator of consumer market interest and behavior, I would guess that the prostate health problem is now a legitimate epidemic. At a close second, concerns over male sexual performance (or lack thereof) are keeping a lot of people up at night, as well—though not for the reason they would have preferred, I guess.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for businesses extolling the virtues of their wares on television. I can’t imagine what the Super Bowl would be like otherwise. But advertising products or services and being downright tacky are two different things. I never dreamed there would come a day when I would have to ask my kids to leave the room during commercial breaks. (I guess I don’t have to ask them to leave; however, it is much more comfortable for me, as I don’t have to answer questions like, “Daddeaux, what is ‘erectile dysfunction’?”)

I may be dating myself, but I miss Tony the Tiger and Lucky the Leprechaun. I miss catchy slogans and jingles you could never get out of your head, like “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz,” and “Tastes great; less filling.” And I’m not a prude or anything, but I could go for a while without hearing, “When the mood is right and the moment arrives, will you be ready?” (On a related note, I also am trying to figure out why the middle-aged man and woman in the commercial are in his-and-hers porcelain bathtubs outside on a deck, holding hands. If a side effect of the little blue pill I take to regain my “prowess” is a strong desire to bathe outdoors, I would really have to consider if it were worth it at all.)

It seems that the tackiness of television nowadays is boundless. Networks and communications companies need to establish a “no-fly” zone for commercial advertising. I mean, I’m intelligent enough to know better than bring up my ongoing hemorrhoid problem in between the appetizer and the main course, so shouldn’t TV be at least that smart? I’m guessing that if broadcasters would just observe a few simple rules, our viewing experience would probably be considerably more palatable: 

1. If describing the subject of the advertisement requires using the words “male” and “enhancement” in the same sentence, think again. 
2. Same for “feminine” and “hygiene”. 
3. If the product is meant for a body part that cannot be shown on network television outside of documentaries about tribal cultures, it probably is inappropriate for family viewing. Save it for infomercials at 2:00 AM. 
4. Any commercial involving a lawyer is in bad taste. A good lawyer should be able to drum up plenty of business simply through client word of mouth, therefore only bad lawyers are advertising on television. Your television station does not want to be associated with them. 
5. Advertisements involving William Shatner are acceptable only if marketing a DVD collection of classic episodes of “Star Trek”. 
6. Useless advertisements are usually particularly tacky. There is no need to advertise Viagra. There is no need to sing the praises of Preparation H. Think about it. It isn’t like these are impulse buys or anything. Save the air time for giving real information.

Of course this list is not exhaustive. Given the time I could list thousands of guidelines which would help make commercials fun again. Unfortunately, though, I have to make an urgent phone call. If I call within the next fifteen minutes, my first consultation for medical hair restoration is half-priced.

How could I pass up an offer like that?