American Poll Dancing

If you’ve been wondering where I have been for the past month and a half or so—which, based on the number of hits to my blog, I doubt very seriously—the current competitive sport season has had my attention.

No, I’m not talking about football. I’m talking real bloody, brutal, going-for-the-jugular melee.

Campaign season.

Yes, I am being somewhat sarcastic. Somewhat.

You see, every two years, I, along with thousands of other hard-working Americans, am forced to endure a barrage of glorified manure-slinging duels between two opposing candidates—both of whom typically have too much money to know what to do with and neither of whom seems to have any true regard for the hard-working Americans forced to hold their noses and vote for one or the other. So I figured I might as well try to make it enjoyable—or at least a little more palatable—and I came up with a little game.

I completely swore off writing anything—not that anyone might miss me, mind you, save perhaps for my wife (thanks, dear!), my parents, and a half-dozen or so other folks who have way too much time on their hands—until any single candidate could provide one of two things: 1) a substantive statement revealing his or her actual platform, i.e. actual “truth in advertising” or 2) an objective critique of his or her opponent’s position without stooping to the three-piece suited version of a WWE cage match.

Obviously, I was in no danger of having to come up with anything about which to write. Tonight, as we sit here watching cable news reports on election returns—enduring political commentary from the cadaver formerly known as Geraldine Ferraro in the process—I can now break my silence and say something that I have had stored up for eight weeks now.

I love my country, but I cannot say with a clean conscience that I am proud of, or that I can even stand, the collection of individuals we have representing us in our hallowed houses of government. And my distaste—and I believe the distaste of most of my fellow Americans—does not fall along party or race or any other lines. Blue or red, man or woman, black or white, it does not matter.

The demographic of our Senate and Congress could provide twenty comedians a year of material each. We have boozers and junkies. We have liars that make personal injury lawyers and used car salesmen seem truthful. We have career politicians who know absolutely no other trade than being big bags of wind, and not the kind of wind bag that men are following half-priced burrito night at King Taco.

Every time I turn around, another Congressman gets caught with his pen in an unfamiliar inkwell, if you know what I mean. A certain Speaker of the House once marched in a parade which sang the praises of perverted relationships between men and boys. Only the grave could prevent the reelection of one Senator well-known for his affinity for strong drink and a certain automobile accident. The life of another was celebrated following his passing, despite his position of importance in the KKK years earlier. A Senator from my own state will leave a legacy including a tryst or ten with a hooker, though his opponent spent about fifteen grand per constituent on annual travel.

Long-seated members of both parties have gone on record—on record, do you hear me?—to say that the American people obviously do not know what is best for them. One proudly stated that rules for debate and passage were evergreen and that members “make them up” as they go along. Again, those are the “on the record” comments. It’s astounding what these limo jockeys say when they don’t realize they are being recorded!

Because personal finance is not an issue for any of our national representatives, it seems to follow that they in turn have no idea about how to handle the collective economic interests of our country. I majored in an economics-heavy degree, but even my eight-year-old can figure this out. You don’t balance a budget by hedging on money you don’t have. You balance a budget by plugging the holes where you’re bleeding money. Sound simple? It is because it actually is! Like I said, my eight-year-old happened to walk in one evening while I listened to a lively discussion regarding Joe “Did I Say That?” Biden’s comments regarding aggressive spending to decrease the deficit. My son asked, “Daddeaux, did he say to save money we need to spend more?” How do you answer that when these clowns attempt to bail out unscrupulous lenders by (duh!) lending them money?

Today, a whole lot of people exercised their right to vote. When they walked up to the polls to check in, no one asked them if they were Republican or Democrat or Green or Independent or Flying Monkey. No one asked them if they were conservative or liberal. No one asked them if they liked the current President or the previous. No one asked them if they watch Fox News, CNN, the Christian Broadcasting Network, or the Playboy Channel for their news. All they asked them for was identification as…Americans.

And tonight, it is evident that Americans voted. It is evident that Americans are tired and frustrated. It is evident that the “change” that they voted for two years ago was not “change they could believe in” as it was marketed.

It is evident that Americans are ready to hold Washington accountable. You want to represent us? Then represent us. But if we do not feel you are acting in the interest of your constituency, we will let you know.

Tonight, I am proud to be an American. Tomorrow, I hope to say that I am proud of those that represent me.

God bless America.


  1. I am PROUD to read what you wrote, and I think you speak for many of us Americans ... I'm SO SICK of the party lines, the division and games being played in DC ... let's get down to business, do what is RIGHT and stop bashing each other ... REPRESENT us people! STOP the nonsense, and start talking to more 8 year olds on how to balance a budget!

    Jeff... I liked what you had to say ... I'm a friend of Bingo Bonnie's, and as a voting American ... I'm gonna follow you and see what the heck you're up to in that chicken yard !

  2. I agree 100%. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.


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