One-Handed Workforce

I made the mistake of turning on the television the other day in that dark, bleak time slot between the network soaps and Live at Five—the dreaded talk show hours. It is almost always a mistake for me to turn on the tube during that time frame because the likelihood of me getting a good mad on or being completely disgusted with society in general is extremely high. And I was not disappointed.

On one of those shows referenced only by the first name of the host was a so-called child and teen behavior “expert” pontificating about the next generation of Americans. (Let me go on record and say that it is very hard to take seriously the opinion of an egghead in a bow tie who has never changed a diaper, thrown a football, or had to answer the question, “Eww, Dad! What are those two dogs doing to each other?”)

The whole gist of what Dr. Nosedrip had to say was that the teens and pre-teens—particularly those of the male persuasion—in this country are lazy. Well, duh! I don’t need a Ph.D. to nail that one!

However, the more I listened, the more I realized just how wrong this guy was. Sure, maybe Generation Y (or is it Z?) can’t stand toe to toe with their parents and grandparents as far as work performance or ethic—cue the “back in my day” stories—but these boys are handicapped in a way no previous generation ever was.

They do everything with one hand.


One hand is always reserved for holding their britches up.

Now as a child of the ’80’s, I must shoulder blame for being party to some rather pitiful fashion disasters—Girbaud jeans, acid-washing, and tight-rolling come to mind—but never did my parents have to worry about whether or not the top two inches of my butt crack would be hanging out as I loafed lazily down the hall to my science class. Seems today that you’re not cool unless everyone can discern the pattern on your boxer shorts with a quick glance.

We recently drove through a neighborhood where a young man was using a leaf blower to sweep grass clippings from a sidewalk. I concluded as we passed the boy that he must be receiving a dire call from Mother Nature, as he had his thighs and knees pressed tightly together and moved much like my six-year-old does when he waits just a moment too long to get off the swing set before making a mad dash to the toilet. It was only when I looked back in the rearview mirror that I could see what was really going on. The leaf blower required two hands to operate, which meant that the hand normally charged with keeping short pants from becoming leg warmers was otherwise employed. To avoid the embarrassment of being seen in dungarees that actually fit snugly at the waist—thereby being ostracized from the general population at the high school and being forced to sit with nerds who actually comb their hair in the mornings—the emerging entrepreneur engineered a satisfactory solution. He might have looked like an imbecile, sure. But by golly, he was one trendy imbecile!

So the young men of this country aren’t lazy. Au contraire! They work harder to accomplish half a job than their dads did to finish a task completely. Couple this with constantly being blinded by sunlight due to wearing baseball caps sideways and you can see just how difficult it is for them to get anything done at all. Lazy, my rear! We may, in fact, be witnessing the rise of the hardest-working Americans in history!

My concern is that perhaps young women might possibly be outpaced by their male counterparts. Fortunately, though, girls seem to be similarly hindered.

Ask one to put down her cell phone and see if I’m wrong.


  1. I get really sad after I read your articles because I don't want them the end. Can you just write a whole book, please?

  2. I'll never understand this fashion statement...people with their drawers hanging out and pants you have to hold up with one hand...I just don't get it. Nothing better to do I guess...than hanging onto their pants thinking they are so cool.


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